Helping Kids Build Self-Worth Without Perfectionism

A Conversation with Nellie Harden

Have you ever watched your child wrestle with the weight of needing to get it just right?
Maybe they hesitate to try new things because they’re afraid to fail. Maybe they light up with excitement one minute, then crumble into disappointment the next. Maybe you’ve seen them tie their worth to performance — chasing praise and perfection — and struggling to feel confident in who they are.

In this powerful episode of Raising Faithful Families, I sit down with Nellie Harden, a wife, mother of four daughters, speaker, author, and parenting coach helping families raise kids with real, lasting self-worth.

We talk about:

• What self-worth really is (and where it should come from)

• Early signs of perfectionism

• What parents unintentionally do that makes it worse

• How to reframe your parenting to build emotionally grounded, spiritually secure kids

Let’s dive in:

👋 Meet Nellie Harden

Katy: Nellie, welcome to Raising Faithful Families. I’d love if you could start by sharing your story — your background, your family, and what led you into this work.

Nellie: Thank you for having me! Well, I grew up in the Midwest. My dad passed away when I was very young — just a year and a half old — and my mom remarried when I was eight. A lot of moving, a lot of transitions, and not a ton of "building" time. I graduated high school at 17 and moved seven hours away, really chasing worth wherever I could find it.

And honestly, that led me into some dark places. Now, as a mom of four daughters (ages 15 to 20), I’ve become really intentional about grounding them in faith, helping them understand who they are in Christ, and giving them the tools I wish I’d had growing up.

🧱 What Is Self-Worth — Really?

Nellie: Self-worth isn’t just self-confidence. It’s deeper — a foundation built on five core truths:

“I am seen, I am heard, I am loved, I belong, I have purpose.”

But that worth can’t come from us. If our kids are trying to earn it from themselves or others, it’s going to fail them. Self-worth has to come from something unchanging — and that’s God. As parents, we need to anchor our own identity in Him first and model that for our kids.

🚩 Early Signs of Perfectionism in Kids

Nellie: One key sign is emotional fluctuation — big highs followed by sudden crashes. Your child might be excited about something, then spiral into frustration or discouragement over a small mistake. It’s like walking on an earthquake — they’re constantly seeking affirmation to feel stable.

Perfectionism makes their foundation unstable. And it’s not just about being detail-oriented. It’s about fear of failure, people-pleasing, identity shifting, and placing worth in performance.

🧠 How Parents Can Help (and Sometimes Hinder)

Katy: What can we do to help kids build confidence that isn’t rooted in achievement?

Nellie: Use third-party storytelling. Kids often tune out when we talk directly about them. But if you observe something together — maybe a TV character, a moment at a restaurant, or even a conversation about a book — you can reflect together:

“I wonder what’s going on under the surface there?”
“What might they be feeling?”
“Have you ever felt that way?”

This builds empathy and reflection without putting them on the defensive.

🙅‍♀️ What Parents Accidentally Get Wrong

Nellie: With good intentions, we often praise what our kids do — “You’re so good at sports!” “Look how well you did on that test!” — but that trains them to chase validation. Instead, focus on the why and the process:

“I saw how hard you worked. That was really brave.”
“You didn’t give up. That took strength.”
“You showed so much kindness today — that matters.”

We’re building character, not just rewarding results.

🧩 Mindset Shift for Parents

Nellie: Your child’s brain is not just a “smaller adult brain.” Their frontal lobe — the part responsible for decision-making and cause-and-effect — isn’t fully developed. They might react emotionally or irrationally, and that’s normal.

It’s our job to lead with grace and understanding — not to expect full adult logic from them. We can’t expect what their brain biologically isn’t ready to do yet.

💬 What If You’re Starting Late?

Katy: What if your kids are older and you feel like you’ve missed the window?

Nellie: It’s never too late. Vulnerability builds connection. Be honest. Say:

“This is what I hoped would happen… and I see where we drifted. But I’d love to grow closer from here.”

Weekly one-on-one time can help — even if it's over FaceTime. Just start small. Share your world, and invite them to share theirs.

🛠️ Practical Habits to Build Self-Worth

• Weekly one-on-one time: Rotate with each child, even if it’s just 15 minutes.

• Daily touch points: A quick moment to ask how their day is going.

• Family convergence time: Make space to laugh, cook, walk, or just be together.

• Grace-based discipline: Say, “I need a moment to respond wisely,” and then come back and explain how you grounded yourself in Christ. That models emotional regulation and faith in action.

🧭 What Every Parent Needs to Know

Nellie: We’re not just raising children — we’re raising people. Adults. Disciples. Citizens of the Kingdom.

Don’t trap them in childhood out of fear or guilt. Walk them into adulthood with vision, grace, and courage. Launch them. Don’t just release them and hope for the best.

💛 Final Thoughts

As parents, we can’t control every thought our child has — but we can shape the environment they grow up in. We can teach them that their worth isn’t tied to what they do, how they perform, or what others think.

Their worth is unshakable. Because it comes from a God who never changes.

🔗 Connect with Nellie Harden

You can learn more about Nellie’s work, her community, and her resources at www.nellieharden.com. She’s a wonderful voice of wisdom for faith-filled, emotionally grounded parenting.

Author

Katy Bordeaux is a Certified Parenting & Family Coach and the founder of both Covenant Collections and Kingdom Purpose Moms. Passionate about guiding families to thrive, Katy combines biblical wisdom with practical parenting strategies to help parents build strong, faith-filled homes. Connect with her for more resources and support on your parenting journey.

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